CAN A COMA REALLY TURN YOU GAY? By Beyonce

    Surely by now we’ve all heard the story of Chris Birch, the 26-year-old straight guy who fell over, broke his neck, wound up in a coma, and re-emerged, like Sleeping Beauty, feeling like a princess. He went from being a rugby-playing macho cliché to being a hairdressing camp cliché overnight.   People waking [...]

BEYONCE – IT’S A QUEER THING, THIS MARRIAGE

      So religious leaders have come out in force to declare gay marriage as perversions of a basic human right. They’ve said that gay men and women are a danger to families and to children. They’ve said we’re asking to have a millennia-old tradition changed just for our benefit, and against the wishes [...]

RESPECT (JUST A LITTLE BIT) – Beyonce

We’re all very aware that the world of celebrity isn’t the real world. We already know their world is very different to ours. They have mountains of money, hordes of hoes and piles of possessions. But they are also, for people who are usually meant to be creative, very straight. There are very few A-list [...]

Has the internet ruined sex?

By Beyonce Recently Channel 4 contacted me out of the blue. They wanted to speak to a gay man about the internet and sex, and apparently a quick Google search gave them my name. I’m not sure what that says about me. Slut? Social media whore? Porn addict?Whatever. They were certainly barking up the right [...]

BEYONCE’S BITCHIN’ PREDICTIONS

  2011 has been a strange year. We’ve had protests that turned into riots. We’ve had media moguls and banks quite frankly taking the piss. But I expect 2012 will get even worse.   Here are my top predictions for 2012:   David Cameron will be forced to declare war on the EU. He’ll personally [...]

OOPS! SHE DID IT AGAIN

  By Beyonce   I went to see Britney recently. I’m not particularly a fan—I just got dragged there by a friend with a spare ticket. I quite like a few of her songs and love a couple in particular. With the ticket being free, I thought, Why not? It might be the only time [...]

Books – for November

TRUNK SHOW – Swimwear Inspires Art Compiled by Jason Salzenstein, Like sports gear, swimwear—as a fetish—gets a major boost from an elite group of men who wear it very, very well; the ones whose images come to mind whenever swimwear is mentioned. In today’s market, savvy labels don’t just sell a product, they sell a [...]

WHAT’S IN YOUR CLOSET?

Beyonce   So, according to internet rumour, Chris ‘Wife-Beater’ Brown is allegedly bisexual. And a bottom. And slightly mad. Whether it’s true or not is up for debate, as at least some of the messages in the revelatory Twitter conversation appear to be fake. Part of me thinks it makes perfect sense—why else would he [...]

Beyonce: September 2011

PORN THIS WAY Porn used to be a dirty word. It’s pretty much in the mainstream now. Even among straights. I know many straight girls who want to do porn. That is, as much as I ‘know’ any breeders (which isn’t really that much). And it seems the thrill is no longer just in the [...]

RESPECT La Diva

A spectacular musical celebration paying tribute to the greatest female singers of all-time. World Premiere production – Live on Stage! Featuring a cast of amazingly talented West End singers & dancers and with a stunning live band, Respect La Diva is packed with over 30 classic songs by diva greats including Diana Ross, Tina Turner, [...]

(WHY) ARE WE PROUD?

Last year I nearly had a small heart attack when a concerned citizen sent round a frantic email saying a very big pride event was going to have to cancel its parade because not enough people had volunteered to be stewards for the floats. Luckily, the person had got the misinformed end of the proverbial [...]

Ode to the Dancefloor

Tony Moran Showers the Love By Mark Gray “I wrote Can I Love You More to express the appreciation I have for the people that enjoy my music,” says the Grammy-nominated producer/remixer and superstar club DJ. The adoration is mutual. Three days after its release, Tony Moran’s ode to the dancefloor nabbed the top spot on [...]

Beyonce: THE SOFT, THE SAD & THE FUGLY

We’ve all had some dodgy sexual encounters, right? Well, most of us have. And let me tell you: I’ve had more than my fair share. I for one never do threesomes. Not any more. Orgies—yeah, why not! But not threesomes. For me, a threesome is usually about two people who want to shag very much, [...]

SUCK MY SOUR GRAPES

We’ve all heard of the saying ‘sour grapes’. It comes from one of Aesop’s fables. A fox, seeing some grapes on a branch, wants to eat them. When he realises the grapes are too high for him to reach, he convinces himself the grapes must not be ripe yet, and thus they’re ‘sour grapes’. The [...]

SPIKE ME TENDER

In the past people bought love potions from witch doctors and gave them to the objects of their affections. Often these would be placebos. Occasionally they’d be the equivalent of Mediaeval viagra. In A Midsummer Night’s Dream, the pansy is used in a love potion that causes all manner of havoc. Recently I discovered a [...]

A Slut’s Guide to Holiday Heaven

By Beyonce Tried and tested by four of the biggest slags in Britain (well, three and their rather lacklustre quasi-slutty friend), here is the ultimate guide to shagging around in the gay holiday capitals of Europe. We sent four whores to shag, suck, lick and chase throughout the dark rooms, beaches and hotel rooms the [...]

Beyonce: ‘TIS PITY SHE’S A WHORE

I’m sure we’ve all heard the line ‘It’s not you, it’s me’. Usually it means ‘It’s not me, it is you’. But what about the times it means exactly what it sounds like? What if you meet the man who, in other circumstances, would be perfect for you? What if the real problem is—to put [...]

Beyonce: Hex of the Vexed Ex

The Boy: I’ll ring the lift. Ex: Aren’t you going to say goodbye, then? New BF: We already did. Three times. Ex: (mumbles something under his voice) Familiar scenario? How about: You: Is that your new boyfriend? Him: Yes. You: (laughs uncontrollably at the fat thing attached to his arm) Or: Him: Fancy going for [...]

Beyonce: REAR OF THE YEAR?

So he seemed quite clever. I knew from his pictures he’d be arrogant, and dare I say snobby. But I was up for that. I like a bit of a fight. In all fairness I wasn’t initially attracted to him, looks-wise. His pictures didn’t do him justice, I guess. It was the banter I was [...]

Beyonce’s Bitchin’ Predictions

Another year over with. Thank god. Here are my (possibly) serious predictions for the coming year: GAGA having outdone herself in competitive vocal combat against Beyonce (Knowles not Holes) this year with ‘Telephone’, will become the lesbian undead and hunt down her former duet buddy. The film will be called Lady Gaga vs Beyonce: The [...]

Beyonce: The Waiting Game

I hate waiting for boys to text back. If ever there were a way to drive me to the very depths of despair and then to the heights of insanity, it would be this. I try everything to divert my mind from the obvious—he’s not going to text back, or if he does it’s to [...]

Beyonce: FIRST DATE WAR

Okay, so here’s the problem. I get lots of first dates. And I mean lots. Sometimes I worry I’m hogging the North’s fair share of first dates, but whatever. The problem is, I rarely go for second dates. And it’s not that I’m meeting entirely inappropriate people any more. I screen them carefully now, so [...]

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