With all our student readers hopefully moved in (or crammed in like sardines), we at Bent thought we’d turn our attention to the subject of gay housemates. Most of us will have lived with other gay people at some point or another, but is it really such a good idea? Here we run through the pros and cons for you, so you don’t have to.
1. Sex on tap – Living with gays has an obvious advantage. Should any of you get horny, you can screw each other’s brains out.
2. Sharing boys – You can now pool your resources when out pulling, and pull one boy between you. Then just send him from bedroom to bedroom till you’re bored of him or he has a prolapse.
3. Cleanliness – Gays are supposed to be really clean. Well, if not, just spike your housemate’s hot chocolate with speed and he’ll soon want to get cleaning.
4. The company – The alternative to living with gays, if you have to share at all, is living with straights. And could any of us really stomach that?
5. Raiding each other’s wardrobes – For every gay man that you live with, you can increase your potential number of outfits. Most gays wear a small, whether or not they’re actually built like that, so you should have no problem finding something to find.
1. Sexual misadventures – Normally I like a bit of sexual tension, but sometimes things go wrong. Maybe one of you is really bad in bed, or he discovers you come on a hairtrigger, or you find out he has a tiny willy and can’t resist Tweeting about it. But sometimes, for whatever reason, even the best of friends can find out when they (ahem) fuck up.
2. Stealing boys – Gays are very bad at sharing, in all actuality. Oh, we like to pretend to be open-minded and giving, but that new guy your housemate is seeing really belongs to you, doesn’t he? And if your housemate doesn’t agree . . . well, you have your ways of getting what you want. (Rohypnol.)
3. Cleanliness next to godliness – The stereotype has it that all queens are spotless, well-dressed and perfectly groomed. But what if they’re never out of a K-hole long enough to clean up? Continuous house parties take their toll on even the best-kept homes. And if your housemate spends all his time at the gym honing his Adonis look, he may not have time to clean up. Constant nights out, days recovering and evenings getting ready to do it all again are not conducive to doing chores.
4. Camp company – Living with gays might be better than living with territorial bull-dykes or stinking straights, but can you really stomach living with a bunch of bitchy queens? They’ll notice when you put on weight, talk about your bathroom habits and drive you to insanity.
5. Raiding your savings – First they’ll steal your make-up. Then they’ll eat your Weight Watchers meals. Then they’ll sell your jewellery to fund their crystal meth addictions.
In conclusion, gay housemates may be great, but pick them with care. No thieves, liars and addicts, beyond what is absolutely unavoidable, and never live with anyone better looking than you. It only leads to despair as they steal all the boys.