CAN A COMA REALLY TURN YOU GAY? By Beyonce

 

 

Surely by now we’ve all heard the story of Chris Birch, the 26-year-old straight guy who fell over, broke his neck, wound up in a coma, and re-emerged, like Sleeping Beauty, feeling like a princess. He went from being a rugby-playing macho cliché to being a hairdressing camp cliché overnight.

 

People waking from comas have sometimes had quite drastic personality changes. One woman woke to find she could speak fluent French. A stroke victim attacked his wife with an axe (and the silly bitch took him back). Heck, I’ve even blacked out and woke up on a Sunday morning with a stinking hangover and a woman in my bed.

Shit happens.

But can a coma really change sexual preference?

I suppose maybe it’s possible. But I’m a bit suspicious. You see, I remember when I first discovered the gay scene. That first taste of the homo high-life was intoxicating. I ran amok. I dared my friends to see who could dress up the campest, and we hit the town in pink leather jackets, pink sunglasses, belly-tops and pink contacts. I think I can be forgiven, since I was only 16, but this isn’t an uncommon sight.

I’ve had countless shy, retiring friends who, on the face of it, were rather ‘straight-acting’ (though I loathe the term, it seems increasingly appropriate in this context). Then they announced their love of cock and bum fun, and became raging queens, complete with blackitude and fake tan. Indeed sometimes the ones who’ve repressed their homosexual desires the most, who’ve acted up to that macho cliché, are the ones most likely to come out kicking and screaming (and I mean this literally). They’re usually found in a half-naked can-can line with two drag queens and a couple of rent boys at Maspalomas Pride.

So I do wonder whether Chris, who’d previously felt it necessary to live up (or down) to the hetero lowest common denominator, is now just living up to another stereotype he feels he must embrace to belong? You also have to wonder whether he’s always secretly been harbouring these desires, and is merely using the coma as an excuse? There are worse ways of coming out, I guess.

It also opens up that old can of worms: is it nature or nurture? Was it a shift in biology, a chemical change in his brain, which caused his change in orientation, or was it something less physical? Perhaps, during his coma, he was visited by a queer angel who gave him his very own gay epiphany? Or did Michael J. Fox head back in time to tamper with his upbringing and turn him into a bender? Maybe we need to remember that bisexuals have always existed, and if that’s what he is, he can admit that too?

Not that any of this really matters. He’s rather happily taking it up the chuff now and that’s all the evidence we need.

I can’t help but feel The Daily Fail missed a trick, though. The real story of interest might be how he shed so much weight by sucking cock.

So the moral of this, story, I guess, is that we should all run out and get laid.

Immediately.