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By Alex Wiggan

So, what are you into?  Go on, you might as well come clean; we’re all friends here, because chances are you’ve got a fetish of some sort.  It could be wearing nappies, sporting tattoos, tight-fitting leather trousers or dating guys with winkies shaped like ice lollies; but whatever it is, you’re not alone.  Most guys have a fetish.  They might not realise this of course, but you can almost guarantee that something weird yet wonderful gets them off in ways that nothing else can.  Mention the word fetish and instantly most people would presume that it’s something that only appeals to chaps who like rubber.  You know the sort, the ones who seem to get aroused every time they slap on a fresh pair of marigolds and attempt to do the washing up, despite having a perfectly working dishwasher in their kitchen.  But have you ever thought that it might not be just the feel of rubber across their knuckles that really gets them going, but perhaps the feel of the water flowing between their fingers?  Maybe it’s the bubbles and the scent of lemon zest that really gets their blood pumping, or possibly it’s just the satisfaction of being able to get the last bit of Weetabix off the breakfast bowl?  Fetishes are tricky things you see, as they’re not always what they seem to be.

Take boys who are into Speedos for instance; is it the sight of swimwear stretched across the groin that does it for them, or is it actually the lad inside?  Well if the sight of a beer belly obscuring most of the material instantly stops you in your tracks then you know it’s not a fetish.  If you see a fella prancing around in a tight pair of ball huggers and you can’t take your eyes off him, then chances are that it’s actually the gym body that does it for you.  However if you see a fella prancing around in a pair of shorts and you then go home and thumb through your mums catalogue looking for more hunks in trunks, then you know you’ve got a fetish on your hands.  Likewise the same rule applies to footballers and sportswear, doctors and surgical scrubs and handymen and work boots.  You see there you were thinking that fetishes had to involve spanking, sex swings and safe words, but that’s not always the case.  Of course some do and those fetishes are probably the ones that have become most common just because they don’t always fit into the perceived norm, but fetishes are adaptable little things, pretty much like the Borg on Star Trek.  They can be split into different categories and then within those categories different subcategories and genres, so that there are an endless succession of fetishes to meet the requirements of everyone.  There are types of guys who like to dress up and then there are types of guys who like to dress down.  There are those that like to be subservient and then there are those that like to dominate.  There are even those that like nipple clamps and being covered in tinkle, but strangely they don’t even realise that what they like is classed as a fetish!  It actually can become quite a nightmare trying to keep track of fetishes and the only way to be aware of them all is to reference and cross reference the individual categories using flip charts, graphs and those extendable pointer pens.  Oh and if you’ve just noticed a stirring in your downstairs area after reading that last sentence then you’ve just discovered your fetish is numerology!  Congratulations; now go and watch an episode of Countdown and switch your phone to vibrate.

There are fetishes pretty much everywhere you turn, you only need to glance across the profile of half a dozen guys on Fitlads to see that’s the case; and they can even be as simple as getting off over guys who fall into certain social subsections.  One man’s fetish could be scally lads, where as the next could be emos.  For them this isn’t an interchangeable fetish, they want what they want and there is no way around it, even if a Muscle Mary tries to squeeze his perfectly toned thighs into a pair of spray on skinny jeans!  The fetish is for the real life genuine article, not some fake-and-make who tries to pass himself off in one category just to get a bit of action.  Oh nothing spoils the mood more than the whiff of fakery hiding under the guise of a bit of Guyliner and a My Chemical Romance T-shirt.  If it’s truly a fetish and not just the result of consuming too many bottles of Kopparberg, then it’s going to take a lot more than goodwill to convince you to ‘give him one’, even if he has tried his hardest to meet your demands.  With all the fetishes out there it would seem that if you haven’t found yours yet then it’s highly likely that you haven’t realised what it is that you like doing; but that doesn’t mean that you aren’t getting off on it every week.  So if next Saturday you find yourself putting on your angel wings and white briefs for another night out clubbing, maybe you should stop and think about what it is that you’re wearing, as there might be a clue as to your fetish hiding in your outfit.


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