SUCK MY SOUR GRAPES

We’ve all heard of the saying ‘sour grapes’. It comes from one of Aesop’s fables. A fox, seeing some grapes on a branch, wants to eat them. When he realises the grapes are too high for him to reach, he convinces himself the grapes must not be ripe yet, and thus they’re ‘sour grapes’. The moral of the story is that when we don’t get what we want, we often convince ourselves we never wanted it in the first place.

Men are exactly the same. If you dump a guy, or reject him, how often do you hear him turn round and scream (in his campest voice), ‘Well I never wanted you, anyway!’

Recently I had this exact same experience. But this guy, not content with being dumped and bitching about it, decided to make it his business to tell everyone about his sour grapes. Apparently I’d chased and fawned and begged all over town and he’d turned me down at every stage.

Of course, dear. This fox doesn’t go for grapes anyway (I’ll just stick to the wine). But if that makes you feel happy, then whatever.

I took the adult, decidedly non-Beyoncé approach, and ignored him. However when I finally ran into him some eighteen months later, having encountered approximately two dozen people who’d heard his sensationalised version of events, things got stranger.

He strutted over, full of aggression, and I braced myself for a bitch fight. I was about ready to take my earrings out and tear myself off a weave, when he dropped a bombshell. This was the kinda bombshell Glenn Close would make if she could get hold of the bunny rabbits.

Would I consider dating him again, he asked. Yes, I know. The insanity of it. Clearly the sight of my grapes hanging from the branch (whether allegedly sour or not) is enough to get any man drunk.

But in the face of this blatant masochism I had to ask myself, was he possessed by the spirit of Colleen Rooney—willing to go back for humiliation again and again and again?

Needless to say, my answer was no. But the fact he even asked told me two things:

1. Men will never cease to surprise me (or themselves) when it comes to their desperation.

2. Nobody can resist the charms of Beyoncé’s booty.

So remember boys, if you diss me all over town, and then have the audacity to ask for more tang afterwards, I’ll have just one thing to say to you:

Suck my sour grapes!