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Chavophilia – When did the humble chav become the ultimate gay fantasy?

By Darrel Moore

We all know what a chav is don’t we? They hang around brightly lit shops at night, sporting baseball and ‘tracky bottoms’ which they tuck into their off-white socks. They hunt in packs, looking for unsuspecting victims to intimidate into buying them a bottle of cider and they always punctuate their sentences with ‘init’. Am I stereotyping?

To me, these little walking ASBOS are about as sexy as a mouth full of used tampons. But what is it about this breed of social rejects that some gay men find such a turn-on? It’s a big fetish apparently. But where does this ‘chavophilia’ come from? Doesn’t anyone want a nice guy anymore, or is everyone just looking for a dirty shag?

Let’s face it – chavs hardly have the best life prospects. As far as the good-on-paper guys go, chavs don’t even earn the right to pick up the pencil. [At the risk of generalising] They’re all on speed, they don’t work so you’d have to support them and their habit, and probably their pit-bull terrier called Ripper.

I find it hard to believe that anyone could have a meaningful and equal relationship with one. Or maybe it’s actually pseudo-chavs that gay men are after – gay men who pretend to be chavs but are actually middle-class men with good jobs and nice homes that just have a thing for scallies? After all isn’t that the crux of it? Isn’t the biggest gay man’s fantasy the straight man, plain and simple? Jocks, army guys, chavs – anyone will do.

I recently signed up to Fitlads, a dating website for gay men that is second only to the ultimate power that is Gaydar. The design symbol for this site is the silhouette of a chav in a cap slouching to one side. I was surprised to find that most of the men on there had a thing for ‘scallies’ in ‘trackies’ and chavs in general. A lot of them had dressed up in their very own chav-wear for the sake of the picture in order to pull a chav-loving chav for themselves. Perhaps there’s a bit of a fantasy going on where they want to do the guy who bullied them at school. Hell I do – but I wouldn’t want to date him, he’d steal my TV before I could say ‘amphetamines’.

Maybe I’m being a bit too optimistic but I thought that guys signed up to these websites looking for someone to have a relationship with – not just for an elaborate and well-acted fantasy-shag.

You just have to look at some of the sex-lines you can call now. It’s all – me mate rubs his dirty socks in me face and sucks me scally dong! I’m all for a bit of fantasy but my idea of sexy isn’t a skinny little twat that smells of stale piss and dog and has walked straight of the set of Shameless. Call me old-fashioned, but I like nice guys.

Maybe I’m biased because I have actually been out with a chav. And yes, he was on speed – but he was also a schizophrenic who stole from me, which to be fair, may have tainted my view on the whole deal. Is it possible to get a nice, friendly chav who helps out Mrs. Smith from over the road with carrying her shopping without mugging her senseless?

I read the profile of one guy who actually wrote “I don’t like gay c*nts”. Has it got to the point where gay men actually have to stop being gay to attract other gay men? Is the gay population becoming less tolerant with itself than the straight?

Having a preference to the type of guys you like is one thing, but as a gay man surely he should have learnt a bit of tolerance. Believe it or not there is a wide diversity of personality types – even within the gay community.

It’s for this reason that I urge you, good gay fellows, to abandon your chavy ways. Don’t look to the scallies to get your ya-ya’s. Be yourselves and don’t allow the scourge of Britain to hold your sexual attention. They don’t deserve it. They’d call you a fag and piss on your face as soon as look at you. Oh, you want them to? Well, fair do’s mate.