A Slut’s Guide to Holiday Heaven

By Beyonce

Tried and tested by four of the biggest slags in Britain (well, three and their rather lacklustre quasi-slutty friend), here is the ultimate guide to shagging around in the gay holiday capitals of Europe. We sent four whores to shag, suck, lick and chase throughout the dark rooms, beaches and hotel rooms the most popular hot spots, just to report back to you. The things we do for our readers!

Not always the most obvious: Look for shopping centres and family eating areas by day that fold away to reveal the dark, dirty excesses of fabulous queer clubbing by night. Enjoy being ‘in the know’ as you investigate the unseen ‘dark rooms’, where all the gays gather for frolics, orgies and voyeurism. Drinks are stronger than lighter fuel, and the men are just the same.

Working the Dark Rooms: Always carry condoms. That’s rule number one. Rule number two, is to stake out a niche or corner in the dark rooms. Spread yourself, pose, wobbly drunkenly but hornily: just make sure you get noticed. Team up if you have to. What we did is took two of us to a room, each occupying a far corner, and then when the boys enter . . .

Licky-Licky Sucky-Sucky: This involves you and your friend sandwiching a guy between your lips. Let me explain: one of you gives the guy a blowjob whilst the other rims him. Relatively safer sex with the benefit of having him pinned between the two of you, preventing him from an easy escape and forcing him to enjoy the carnal pleasures of your tongue-tastic mouths!

Daytime frolics in the Dunes: Have you ever seen the film, Dune? Seen those massive big fat worms in the sand? Well imagine that, attached to gorgeous, bronzed tourists basking amongst soft white hillocks. Ahem. Don’t, like us, try to find them after umpteen cocktails by following the ‘sounds and smells’ of the ocean.

Hotels: Make sure, if you’re sharing a room, you share with someone on a par with yourself in the promiscuity stakes. If one of you is lying beneath two twinks and a bear on one side of the room, and the other is grumpily moaning and huffing in the corner (or watching you all and wanking off), it can cause friction on holiday. So share with a slag and they’ll either join in (and you won’t mind), or be having their own fun across from you. If you don’t like very much sex (what’s wrong with you? Is it contagious?), then share with a virgin. Or whatever.

Blag It: If, unlike me, you don’t have fabulous connections spanning the globe, you may want to try blagging. Hence, whilst we were on holiday, all my friends changed their names. Steven became Christian, the fashion buyer for Prada. Tom became Harvey, the media magnate. And Ritchie became . . . um, I forgot! (When it came to my turn, we decided I was to be called by the nickname of Beyoncé and I would tell people I was a columnist and magazine diva. But that was all true anyway!)
Remember: you will never meet most of these people again, so who gives a flying f… ?

And Finally: Be safe. “Condoms and crash-helmets, bitches”. “Condoms and crash-helmets.”