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Top Ten Unexpected Valentines Day Gifts

Every year at Christmas we get unwanted gifts. But what about on Valentine’s Day? We thought of the most unexpected, inappropriate and poorly planned gifts we’ve received over the years for your delectation.

10. A whip, chains and a gag, which of course he wants you to wear. And there you thought he was only interested in a bit of slap and tickle. The only solution is to go all dominant and make him wear the clobber instead.

9. A second-hand DVD copy of Top Gun. Because it’s his favourite film and now he’ll have something to watch while he’s round at yours. Yeah. Thanks.

8. Bathroom scales. Because if you didn’t think you were fat before, you do now.

7. Enzyte penis enlargement pills. See above. See also number five.

6. A battered copy of He’s Just Not that Into You. To which the only good response is to batter him.

5. A laminated copy of Sex for Dummies (Miniature Edition). We responded by shoving all 128 pages where fucktards take it best and pointing out the irony of him giving us a miniature edition. At least you can wipe it clean afterwards.

4. Bald Guyz Head Wipes. I mean, seriously? Or were they intended for use around a freshly shaven ballsack, maybe?

3. A Happy Meal. Some of us might look like we enjoy fast food a little too much, and we all love a good toy, but this week McDonald’s were giving away Mr Potato Head when we really wanted Buzz Lightyear. Get it right!

2. Sexually transmitted infections. There’s nothing that smacks of commitment and fidelity like a bad case of the clap on Valentine’s Day!

1. The Moluccan Cockatoo. It’s officially one of the noisiest birds in existence. It’s also one of the most long-lived (at 80 years). So when the relationship is dead and gone, you’ll still be clearing out crap from some shrill loudmouth who’s always ruffling feathers.