Holiday dos and don’ts
Get a tan, so you can show up all those fake-baked nancy-boys what it’s all about.
Get laid. Extra points if it was on the beach.
Get drunk. Foreign countries often have foreign drinks, so try one. Then you can at least claim to have shown an interest in the local culture.
Go to the beach. Wear your tightest AussieBums to flash off that bulge and make sure you’ve at least joined a gym before setting off on holiday. You’ll want to look hot! See number two.
Take a good book. No one will think you’re clever reading The Da Vinci Code (again!).
Forget where your hotel is and sleep in a bin-yard in the red light district.
Eat live jelly-fish. Yes, it might make your lips bigger, but it’ll also make your throat and mouth swell too, and it’ll likely hurt. A lot.
Don’t tell the locals you hate their king and will sleep with their sons. It doesn’t go down too well.
Don’t buy cheap crack from the hooker on the corner. Especially if she has mange.
Don’t let that dodgy-looking Liverpuddlian tourist ‘look after’ your passport and bags. It won’t end well.
Photo – Aussiebum.com