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Beyonce: Hex of the Vexed Ex

The Boy: I’ll ring the lift.
Ex: Aren’t you going to say goodbye, then?
New BF: We already did. Three times.
Ex: (mumbles something under his voice)

Familiar scenario? How about:

You: Is that your new boyfriend?
Him: Yes.
You: (laughs uncontrollably at the fat thing attached to his arm)


Him: Fancy going for that drink?
You: The one you first said we’d have three months ago?
Him: Yeah.
You: Too late. I’m seeing someone else.
Him. Oh. (falls to pieces like shattered glass) Never mind.

Exes mean awkward moments. For you, for them, for your new beau, for theirs.

But there’s always a rule: exes will pop up when it’s most inconvenient. Maybe you’re on a first date with a hot fireman, while he sits in the booth opposite with a straggly piece of gristle. Maybe you’re shopping for XL condoms when he breezes in to buy buttplugs and, in an attempt to avoid each other, you both back into the Liquid Silk display. Or maybe you have a complete and unexpected trouser failure as you walk into the boutique shop where he’s just got a job as floor manager. Whatever. It will happen. And it’ll happen sooner rather than later (and then will happen again).

Here are my tips for surviving the inevitable run in with the ex:

ALWAYS dress as if you expect to see him. If you always assume he’ll pop up wherever you go—even if it’s just Waitrose—you’ll dress to kill. And then if he sees you, then he’ll be reminded of how fabulous you are.

DO surround yourself with beautiful boys. It always gets their goat. If you can’t find several sexy young boys to gyrate against your thighs wherever you go, find at least one. If you’re particularly ugly you may need to invest in an escort for the occasions when you leave the house. Ring Juan. Tell him I sent you.

DO make sure you’re only ever in public in fabulous places. Stop going down the market and buying your T-shirts from Bianca’s Casuals. Stop shopping at Netto. And stop buying multipacks of white briefs from Primark. Seriously. If your ex sees you there, you’ll die of shame (unless he’s the one behind the counter serving you).

DON’T wear make-up. He’ll just think you’re a Powder Poof Girl.

STOP driving past his house/work/local haunt. It’s getting really creepy now.

DON’T be Scott Pilgrim’s girlfriend. Or Scott Pilgrim, for that matter.

ALWAYS carry mace. Or a taser. Or a Hattori Hanzo samurai sword. You never know when that irritating ex will need to be put down. Or when you’ll need to battle ninja vampires from outer space for the last XS vest in H&M.

So bear these tips in mind and you should be fully equipped for dealing with the hex of the vexed ex. Stray from them at your own peril.