A giant glittery card filled with sentiment, a selection of soppy love songs blasting out from the iPod docking station and a bunch of scented candles sprawled out across the top of the porn drawer; it must be that time again, it must be Valentine’s Day! Twenty-four hours of unadulterated love, wrapped up with a big kiss and the guaranteed chance of some much needed bedroom athletics. Ah, perfect bliss. However on the flip-side often the truth is TWENTY-FOUR HOURS spent staring at your Hollyoaks Hunks calendar whilst screaming to the high heavens demanding to know why you are single?! Love it or hate it there are two ways to view Valentine’s Day; the love-filled way that is perfect and magical and the way that many boys relate to, the way known as ‘harsh reality’. Welcome to Valentine’s Day, you’ll learn to understand it.
Real Valentine’s Day
Ah Valentine’s Day, a constant reminder of a bunch of dead saints all named Valentine who were either interrogated, involved in paganism or executed; which is about as romantic as a night in reading The Da Vinci Code whilst Eastenders plays out in the background.
TAKE A DIRTY PICTURE:
Receiving a dirty, yet crappy picture of some random guy’s winkle, that was clearly intended for someone else of less discerning taste! Not only that, but a picture so disturbingly amateur that even cheap homemade porn sites wouldn’t give it away for free and at times it looks less like a willy and more like a small root vegetable.
Knowing that almost £1.3 billion a year is spent on cards, chocolates and novelty crap that could have instead been spent on iTunes vouchers, a shopping spree at Harvey Nics or downloading emo porn! Seriously, there’s a lot of porn out there and £1.3 billion would certainly keep guyliner-wearing-emos gyrating for quite some time; especially with a superfast broadband connection.
MAKING A MEAL OF IT:
Sitting with the other half in a cramped wine bar (next to the door), with a bunch of wilting Daffs in the middle of the table, whilst the greatest hits of Barbara Streisand gets stuck on repeat. Oh and there’s no garlic bread or cheesy chips on the menu, no sparkling wine on chill and there’s a distinct lack of mayonnaise sachets in the condiments tub.
Being in love with the hottest guy in town and convincing yourself you know exactly where you stand.
Love transcending all boundaries, including culture, language, social and religious beliefs… until realisation has set in that you’re never going to get more than a quick fumble around the back (of the pub, that is), because he’s got a boyfriend who he says he loves
HOPELESSLY DEVOTED TO YOU:
Loving unconditionally… after two bottles of wine, three shots of Cherry Sourz and a rum and Diet Coke