By Alex Wiggan
There have been many lies over the years that we have all happily let wash over us without question. Many have come directly from an ex-boyfriend’s mouth, but there are some lies however that were so believable, we’d have sold our own granny to own one if they were true.
Imagine throwing your Speedos into the back of your Fiat Punto and flying off to Lanzarote for a weekend in the sun with the other half. Well if musical film Chitty Chitty Bang Bang (1968) was to be believed then flying cars were possible. Although some techno geniuses have managed to combine planes and cars to some degree of success in the past, Chitty came out over 40 years ago, so why the hell are we fannying about with a damn Prius?!
Admittedly Jeff Goldblum didn’t have much luck with teleporting himself in horror movie The Fly (1986) and so it’s fair to say that the possibility of your willy dropping off as you mutate into a bug is a bit off putting. But think how much time you’d save if teleportation was real, it would surely make juggling boyfriend time and shopping more manageable.
Botox, anti-aging cream, vampirism, trapping your image in a painting or sleeping in a giant Tupperware container will sadly not stop your arse sagging as you get older. Eternal youth might sound like a possibility, but unfortunately it doesn’t exist, so cutting out the fags and detoxing is the only way around this one.
Imagine the possibilities of being invisible. You could perv on Gavin Henson when he’s getting changed, you could perv on JLS when they’re getting changed and you could perv on Ashley Cole when he’s… well, doing whatever he does when he’s alone. Either way being invisible would allow you to do a lot of sneaky spying (before being arrested), so it’s such a shame that it’s not possible.
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider will stop you being a geek and will also give you superpowers? No, it won’t. Anyway even if it did, chances are you’d end up having to shoot webs out of your arse and that would seriously ruin your chances of pulling a fit guy.
Every Saturday night millions of us watch an eccentric chap travel through time in a blue box, so if he can do it, why can’t we? Author H.G Wells wrote about a time machine in 1895 and even high school students Bill & Ted managed to zip back and forth in a phone booth, so somebody please get it sorted!
Recreating dinosaurs from DNA discovered in amber preserved mosquitoes sounded like it was actually possible. Unfortunately it was just an idea cooked up by author Michael Crichton and scientists pretty much shot down the theory. It would of course explain how Last of the Summer Wine remained on BBC One for so long before being axed.
On December 31st 1999 as the world ushered in a new millennium and most lads stuck their tongues done some boy’s throat, everything was supposed to grind to a halt due to a technological glitch caused by the date change. It was of course a big fat load of rubbish as there was no global apocalypse. No doubt many guys fearing it was the end of days confessed their undying love on New Year’s Eve to ugly boys, amidst a sea of streamers and gyrating scene queens.
Willy Wonka promised an everlasting gobstopper. Willy Wonka lied. To be fair American candy company Breaker Confections did produce an everlasting gobstopper, but it should have been done for breaching the Trade Descriptions Act as Elizabeth Taylor had marriages that lasted longer!
Ever since Marty McFly jumped on a hoverboard in Back To The Future Part II (1989), it has been the most sought after invention since the iPhone. Unfortunately despite movie director Robert Zemeckis claiming that hoverboards were real in order to drum up excitement over the sequel, they’re sadly not. Oh bugger.