By Alex Wiggan.
Got the extra large love heart card that plays a medley of Stevie Wonder’s hits? Check.
Got the cute teddy bear clutching the miniature bouquet of flowers with the words ‘be mine’ embroidered on its rear? Check.
Wearing the tightest shirt known to man, that has been dowsed in so much Joop the pure scent alone burns the eyes of anyone within a 1 mile radius? Check.
Now you’re ready all that’s needed for Valentine’s Day is a hunk who ticks all the right boxes, possibly looks a little bit like Channing Tatum and knows how to show a boy a good time. Only problem is… although Channing Tatum clearly has the kung-fu grip and eagle eyes of a real action man, with Valentine’s Day being the love-fest of the year, having exactly the correct hunk for the day is clearly more important than having just any old GI Joe Bloggs. It’s not just about being picky, there are a lot of very attractive celebs out there and with each one splashed across magazines, or popping up in music videos flashing more flesh than a naked butcher, it’s easy to want a man that’s a little bit like all of them. In fact wouldn’t it just be nice to have all the bits of them you could ever want in one perfect package, just for that one special day?
Most times of the year the urge to craft the ideal guy can be suppressed quite easily, but come Valentine’s Day and with love in the air, all those hidden desires about finding the perfect guy rush to the forefront of the mind. How good would it be then if Valentine’s Day could be about stitching together a delicious decoupage dude, in some kind of craft frenzy? A bit of glitter here, a well placed bicep there, a sprinkle of imagination and the right Franken-hunk could be just a few daydreams away. With the world of celebrity hotties and their chiselled good looks drip feeding the senses for the other 364 days of the year, it’s not long before that stray thought about what to do with the bum of Christian Cooke, could be just the starting point. Well let’s be honest, as ITV 2 seems to show his backside off constantly during episodes of Trinity, it’s no real surprise that particular thought has clogged all the once useful parts of the brain. It doesn’t stop there though, because it might also be nice to have a guy with as many tattoos as Trace Cyrus; who also has the ball control of Fernando Torres, the humour of Ryan Reynolds and the facial hair of Emmerdale’s Eli Dingle. If it’s hard to imagine which member of JLS would offer the best value six-pack, then maybe it would be better off just making use of them all. Oh and if that’s the case then whilst rooting around the pop world it would be worth throwing Usher in for good measure, as well as the groin thrusting talents of Olly Murs.
No longer is it a case of having a crush on just one celebrity stud muffin, there’s now so many of them all offering something a little different, it’s like a display of what could be potentially useful in any given situation. Want someone to speak a sexy language to fill in any silences during that romantic Valentine’s dinner? Then Mexican movie actor Gael Garcia Bernal would be perfect. But need someone with a soft, caring and compassionate nature to hold hands with, on that moonlit walk home and maybe George from Rainbow would be the right choice. Being seen walking around town with a pink hippo might not be to everyone’s taste, but no one else looks quite so fabulous in their birthday suite. There are just so many options it’s almost as if there needs to be a special Valentine’s X-Factor set up, to narrow things down a little into a set of twelve finalists to make up the perfect make-shift man. This way the best boys for the job could be made available so time isn’t wasted debating if Ross Kemp or Jason Statham would be more suitable to offer a bit of rough and tumble. This Valentine’s talent contest would need to move quickly, as if this is a once a year opportunity then there needs to be time left in the day to make use of the end result.