Beyonce: ‘TIS PITY SHE’S A WHORE

I’m sure we’ve all heard the line ‘It’s not you, it’s me’. Usually it means ‘It’s not me, it is you’. But what about the times it means exactly what it sounds like?

What if you meet the man who, in other circumstances, would be perfect for you? What if the real problem is—to put it bluntly—that you’re simply a whore?

I think that happened to me. I met The Boy a few months ago. It was a spur of the moment thing that neither of us expected to go anywhere. But then it spiralled out of control and became something much, much more involved.

The problem wasn’t him at all. He was patient. He was kind. He was fantastic in bed. He flipped my switch and short-circuited my brain. But I simply wasn’t ready. I’ve spent five years doing as I please when I please. That was okay because I had no one to hurt by doing so.

To be placed in the situation where my actions directly impacted upon someone else’s emotional wellbeing was a shock. I wouldn’t be able to sleep with whoever I wanted. I would have to sleep with only one person.

But there was more still. I would have to give as good as I got. If he told me he loved me, I would be expected to do the same. And yet, it’s been so long since I’ve told someone that. How could I do it? The requirement of reciprocity is not one I’m used to. I want to feel what is right when it feels right to feel it. Someone who hasn’t had a long-term relationship in half a decade will need longer than someone who regularly has long-term relationships in comparison.

So I couldn’t do it. I chickened out. As much as I cared for him and wanted him, when I saw that spark in his eyes, I feared I couldn’t light up in the same way, and it turned me cold with guilt.

I had to let him go. Undoubtedly it was the right thing to do. But undoubtedly it was the wrong thing to do too.

Things could’ve been perfect. ‘Tis pity I’m a whore.

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